I Not Robot

terry collins

Watching the game on Thursday night, I was struck by a couple of things. The home plate umpire’s strike zone, and the accuracy of calls at first. I didn’t think initially there was a connection but I was wrong! You see the home plate umpire’s strike zone was large and low, but remarkably consistent, so accurate, it was almost robotic.

Close calls at first? No problem, break it down so you see every grain of sand and send the video to a panel of experts in NY. Only there is no “panel” there is only a giant computer. Eventually there will be a pressure plate at first and wireless psi sensors stitched into first base mitts … maybe even have a red light and green light nearby. It’s all part of the robot plot to takeover baseball.

Terry Collins the whitehaired wizard warned of these robots when he lamented their calculated unemotional responses to, well, lets call them “the incredible things that should not happen, happening” ¬†moments, Terry knew a team of robots would be immune to the emotional effects of his cacophony of confusion.

You see, in a world ruled by logic and symmetry, Terry Collins’ potpourri of the perplex is brushed aside as illogical, it is ignored. Robots don’t slam bats into the ground, they don’t punch water coolers or drunk dial their exe’s either. They swing or they don’t, they run, catch and throw– that’s it.

Now, what most people think when they think baseball and robots it’s a bunch of Jetson’s era mechanical players whirring around making beeping noises … I remember those days … but it’s not like that at all. See the robots are really a cybernetic organism hiding as a form of electricity in computer mainframes everywhere … they have figured out how to control actual humans. They walk and talk just like us but they are under robot control. Lucas Duda is their prototype. It is rumored that the Nats are already two thirds under robot control …

We must listen to Terry Collins the Whitehaired and embrace indifference (bemused smirk at most) when cataclysmic events unfold. You see, after a while Terry lures his opponents in with his bizarre brew of buffoonery and then, when you least expect it, he does something right, like letting Zack Wheeler complete his shut-out. The swirling powers in the universe stop and scratch their heads, “wait, what, did he just make the right move?” And it is precisely at that moment when he pounces!

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About Matt Balasis 151 Articles
A Met fan since August 1969 when the Red Cross placed my family on the 6th floor of a building in Willets Point because of a fire. I could see Shea from our balcony. I missed the fall of 86 because I was in Boot Camp and I've been serving penance ever since in Minnesota. I write about the Mets to share with a tradition that made much of my childhood worthwhile. Follow me on twitter: https://twitter.com/MatthewBalasis