Attention, GM shoppers! The Free Agent Warehouse is officially open for business. Throughout our store, you will find everything to help fix your team. From starting pitchers to power hitters. From bullpen help to role players. Everything is here to satisfy your needs. Please be aware that there are no rain checks in case we are sold out of the players you’re looking for. Also, we do not accept coupons. Yes, we’re talking to you, Daddy Less-bucks and Little Orphan Jeffy, so stop asking us if we have any “buy one, get one free” deals. It doesn’t work that way at the Free Agent Warehouse.
We hope you brought your checkbooks. We will have many registers open to help speed up your free agent shopping and numerous player agents will be on hand to assist you. If you have any questions, please direct them to our manager, Mr. Boras. Now let’s take you on a tour of our store.
First, we have our electronics department. Here is where you will find all the gamers, such as John Lackey. His tenacity, determination and consistency will help your team fill a very important spot in the starting rotation. If you do not find John Lackey on the shelves, perhaps we can interest you in a different pitcher. We always have Joel Piñeiro and Jason Marquis in stock. They’re not the hot item of the week, but they can provide a cheaper alternative to John Lackey. For those inquiring about when Roy Halladay will be in stock, we were told that he will not be available at the Free Agent Warehouse for another year. If you are here for Halladay and only Halladay, please report to the corner pawn shop, where trading is encouraged.
You will also find batteries in our electronics department. A good battery consists of a pitcher who can throw any pitch and spot it exactly where his catcher wants. We just received a new shipment of Bengie Molina for any team who needs a replacement battery. Brian Schneider is somewhere on the battery wall, but he’s in need of some recharging.
From here, we take you to our lighting department. Without proper lighting, your home stadium will suffer from a lack of power. We have multiple items that may be to your liking. We have received many requests for Matt Holliday and Jason Bay. As you all know, without our customers we have nothing. Therefore, we are proud to announce that both Holliday and Bay are available. Power is not cheap, so we hope you came prepared to spend if you choose to brighten your stadium with those bulbs. If you have dark corners in your home stadium, we have Adam LaRoche, Russell Branyan and Hank Blalock, all of which can provide temporary power help. Of course, we still have our older models like Carlos Delgado, but we cannot guarantee that he will be bright for an entire season.
Over here, we have our hardware section. These players have the tools to bring a team together. They might not light up the scoreboard, but they provide the glue that solidifies the team. Orlando Hudson and Chone Figgins are our most requested items. Another item that may intrigue you is Mark DeRosa. He is one of our most versatile tools, providing assistance in your infield and outfield.
Our toddler section is under renovation, so you will not find any players there at the moment. We hope to reopen it by next year at the earliest, or perhaps in two seasons. By then, we’ll have Manny Ramirez and Milton Bradley as the toddler section’s main attractions.
Although you have all winter to buy the free agents we have in stock, please remember that all purchases are final. Also, we are not responsible for damaged goods. We are not forcing you to buy anything in our store. You’re making that decision on your own. If you make a poor purchase, it’s on your hands. However, if you find free agent gold, your fans will be dancing in the streets.
That’ll end the tour of the Free Agent Warehouse. We hope you found something of interest for your team. For those of you who need to use the rest room before leaving, please be careful when you flush so that your wallets don’t accidentally fall in. Yes, Mr. Minaya. I’m talking to you. We don’t want you to come up with a convenient excuse if someone else comes in and scoops up one of the players on your shopping list.
Don’t forget to come again soon. We’ll be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week throughout the winter to serve all of your shopping needs. We’re the Free Agent Warehouse, where no one has to go home empty-handed.