Mets Merized Online has just learned that the New York Mets have just activated Parental Controls on all 16 televisions installed in the player areas including the players lounge and locker room.
Immediately after the parental controls were finally activated by the Verizon FIOS dude, COO Jeff Wilpon took over and immediately began adding channels to the banned list including MTV, Nickelodeon, Lifetime, TV Land, Comedy Central, MSNBC and Boomerang. He could be seen murmuring to himself while in a state of paranoid frenzy as he frantically fumbled with the remote control.
A clubhouse attendant who requested to remain anonymous witnessed the bizarre event.
“He was absolutely insane… like a raving lunatic, and I actually feared for my life. I heard him exclaim ‘Take that Keith Olbermann!’ as he banned MSNBC from the TV. The whole scene was completely unnerving.”
We caught up with the Verizon FIOS dude as he left Citi Field and asked him what prompted such drastic action.
“It was no big deal” he said, “we get calls like this all the time. It’s all part of our award winning customer service which comes with every Verizon FIOS package along with over 150 high definition channels.”
He handed me a programming brochure as he scurried into his shiny white van and continued on his way.
We can only surmise what might have prompted these actions, which come less than 24 hours after they banned all local newspapers from CitiField.
The entire chain of events seems like an apocalyptic vision straight out of a George Orwell novel.
We tried to speak to Jeff and Fred Wilpon, but neither of them returned our calls.
Later, as we were leaving the clubhouse we noticed Mets VP of Media relations, Jay Horwitz sorting through the players mail and asked him to comment.
“It’s not as bad as it looks, fellas. We’re trying to toughen up our players and give them an edge. The channels we blocked will help us achieve that goal. Sure we blocked some channels, but we also added twice as much new programming as well. We had over 150 high definition channels to choose from, you know.”
Horwitz stopped censoring the players mail for a few minutes and took some additional time to explain.
“We have replaced all those candy-pansy channels with a great lineup that includes the War Channel, SPIKE, WWE, The Military Channel, Showtime Extreme, Fear.Net, and FOX News. We’ll make some real men out of them and grow some hair on their chests.”
We will stay on top of this breaking story and update you as events warrant.