Photo by Ed Delany, MMO
Dear Mr. Céspedes,
Hi. My name is Roger. How are you? I’m really asking because I don’t know! You won’t say.
My words about baseball have been published on the internet a fair amount — just between you and me definitely more than necessary — but I’m not a member of *spooky voice* The Media. I got no skin in the game. I wouldn’t enter the clubhouse even if you asked me to. I heard it smells. Not because of you – everyone knows you smell delicious.
I’ll cut to the chase: You, Yo, should talk to the writers.
There are seven reasons for this, seven being the number you get when you add the two digits of your jersey number. It was definitely on purpose.
No. 1 Come On, the Boar Thing is Funny
Of course I don’t want to see you get hurt, nor do I wish you any bodily harm. I want to make that very clear.
I get why you would not think it is funny, seeing as this happened to you. But come on. Over time you will realize it was so ridiculous it was, in fact, funny. People who are not you, including fans of every baseball team except the one you are currently on, recognize the humor already. Some members of your family won’t admit this, but they already found the humor in it too. Life is absurd, and if you ain’t crying or laughing you quite frankly are not paying attention.
People including yourself also seem to be forgetting how we found out about the delightful character known as Yoenis Céspedes in the first place. Remember when you first became an internet meme?
So when the boar attacked you last year at your ranch, it proved that sometimes karmic retribution could be ridiculously on the nose. That’s funny.
It’s not like it killed you. And you’re probably square now with swine, which is always good to know.
No. 2 You Say Very Interesting Things
Remember the summer of 2015? That was a lot of fun. Seeing your name instead of Eric Campbell’s name in the cleanup spot was a big part of that. So were the cool as hell things you said. My favorite was when you said (through an interpreter): “The only thing one can fear is death. And I’m not even scared of that.”
You were asked about getting hit by a pitch days prior, and you went ahead and brought death into it. You grabbed the grim reaper by the collar and reminded him that he can take a hike on account of being a bum. I love everything about that quote. I love how the first line is a warped take on something a Roosevelt or JFK said, and it’s lone accompanying sentence is you saying, actually, I am a rare exception to this absolute I just said was an absolute. Are you really going to deprive us of these gems?
No. 3 This is a Really Important Time in Your Life
Everyone loves a comeback story, and you returning to your 2015/2016 form would be a helluva story. You might believe the media builds celebrities up just to tear them down, but guess what? The tearing down period is over.
You’re standing in what used to be a lobby of the deluxe apartment building that was your career and you see nothing but busted up drywall, exposed wiring, and a DVD of Friends you-know-who left behind. This is when the opening notes of “Gonna Fly Now” are heard in the distance. This is build-them-up time. Everyone wants to hear what you have to say. Considering your unique situation and your way with words, what you have to say will not sound like clichés.
No. 4 How Else Are We Going to Know How You Are Actually Doing?
Remember the summer of 2018? That was…not as fun. You came back for one game after a long IL stint against the Yankees, looked like you were in pain during your home run trot, and broke the news after the game that, funny story, you were told you need surgery on both of your heels, and you at that point in the time had zero of those surgeries. How do you expect us to know what’s going on with you?
(I suppose you could stream all of your doctor appointments on Instagram. Seems like doctors wouldn’t appreciate that though. Not outside of California anyway.)
No. 5 It’s Not Everyone in the Media
“The Media” isn’t one big conglomerate owned by DisneyAppleAthletic(yet). It wasn’t The Media helping ownership and the front office by leaking stories about your “diva” behavior and driving your free agency price down; it’s the same one or two folks. Just ignore reporters whose names rhyme with Blandy Narctino and you’ll get your revenge.
No. 6 It’s Against the Rules
You already lost a lot of money over your accident; can you really afford to lose some more because you’re violating the CBA? I know I know, you’re a rebel, a loner. Sorry dude, the Astros have the villain #brand covered for 2020 and likely the entire first half of this decade.
No. 7 You’re Making Your Teammates Do More Work
Matt Harvey’s silence towards the beat writers led to the writers asking Kevin Plawecki or Tomás Nido how Harvey did on the mound, how Harvey felt, if Matt thought Robert Pattinson would make a good Batman, if Matt knew Pattinson smelled like a crayon. As much as they wanted to, they didn’t know what’s in Matt Harvey’s heart. What’s in yours, Yo? We want to know. We’re listening.
Love,
Roger
