I was supposed to be at Citi Field covering tonight’s game.

That’s right – supposed to be. But I’m not going.

I know what you’re all thinking — “wait, what?! You have a chance to go to Citi Field, in a season where barely anyone can go, and you’re not going?!” 

Yes, that’s right.

It’s not because of COVID. It’s not because of the rainy weather outside.

It’s because I realized that I emotionally cannot handle being at Citi Field just yet.

Ten months ago, I lost my little brother, Christopher, the best Mets fans I will ever know. The Mets were our favorite thing to bond over. Going to Citi Field was our favorite thing to do, together. We constantly watched games together, spoke about the team and players, brainstormed article ideas that I should write about, and whenever I worked a Mets game, I’d call him sometime during the game and visit him afterwards to tell him what it was like. He was my biggest fan and I can honestly say I would not be sitting here, writing to you all, if it weren’t for him.

I thought I would be ready to put my emotions aside and go into Citi Field as press to report the game for you. But I realized, I am only human, and I am not ready. I am especially not ready to be there during this weird COVID restricted time, on my own, without someone to be able to turn to during the game, someone who understands and who loved my little brother, too.

And I am sorry for that. I know I should grab at the opportunity to be able to go the stadium this season, when fans can’t. I know.

Why am I writing this though?

Because I know a lot of you have lost loved ones — whether it be recently or not. I know a lot of you will or have faced a similar situation, going to a place that meant the world to you and your loved one for the first time and not being able to handle it. And I know for a lot of you, that place may be Citi Field. I know that I am not alone in this feeling and I do not want any of you to feel alone either. We’ll get through this together, one step at a time.

I thank you all for your support of me, of my brother, and of my family. I look forward to the day I will be back in the press box reporting the game for you. I hope it comes sooner rather than later. But unfortunately, it’s just not today.