Dear Jerry,
Congratulations on your recent promotion to manager of the New York Mets. I have already said a prayer for you and I will be sure to light a candle for you on Sunday as well.
You probably have already been warned about staying on Tony Bernazard’s good side, and going to the SNY Gift shop and loading up on Loudmouths T-shirts and an SNY cap to wear at all times when you’re not in a Mets uniform. However, those things alone may not be enough to enhance your job security.
As a show of good faith, we at Mets Merized Online wanted to give you these additional 10 tips with the hope that you take them to heart because your livelihood may depend on it.
1. Keep your friends close and your enemies 3,000 miles away.
2. If you ever see a machete laying around in the backroom, run like hell.
3. Pitch counts may be hazardous to your health. Ignore them at all times.
4. If your going to scold one of your young stars, don’t do it in front of the cameras.
5. Stick up for your players on close plays so that in turn they might stick up for you.
6. Never answer your telephone at 3:00 AM unless it’s for some good phone sex.
7. If the Wilpons don’t return your phone calls, start worrying and upload your resume on monster.com.
8. Write a letter to congress explaining why you think every Sunday should be Fathers Day.
9. When Ian O’Connor comes around, only mention race when referring to the New York Marathon.
10. When SNY points the camera at you during ball games, show them your pearly whites and jump up and down like your hair’s on fire.
We hope you consider this good advice during your tenure as Mets manager. All of us at Mets Merized Online wish you the best of luck as you begin your new journey.
Sincerely yours,
Mets Merized Online
P.S. Any chance you can send me a Mr. Met signed baseball?
