Mets Merized Online - A Mets Blog For Real Mets Fans!

A lot of Mets fans are torn between who their favorite player is, David Wright or Jose Reyes. First, you have to make a pro and con list for each of them. Then, you have to come up with some sort of point system for each item on the list because some things like Wright’s appearance on Celebrity Apprentice has to take away more points than Reyes not running out a grounder. It just gets complicated. Why go through all that trouble when I can simulate them going head to head for your status of “Favorite Met” on American Gladiators?

Welcome to American Gladiators. This week’s contestants: Jose Reyes and David Wright. Fans in the audience hold signs that say, “David’s Got The Right Stuff, Damn, I Was Supposed to Put Wright Not Right” and “Jose Reyes, More Like Jose Greatest Player Ever to Play Sports.” The signs get worse every episode. First, they will compete in Assault. Manning the tennis ball cannon will be Militia. Wright’s up first. Wright runs to the first station and fires the slingshot wide of the target. He gets ready to move to the rotating turret. Militia is patient. Wright jukes but Militia anticipates it and hits Wright in the leg. He gets one point. Reyes is up next. He slides head first into the first station, fires the slingshot way off. He bounces back and forth between the first and second station trying to get Militia to balk. Since there’s no such thing in American Gladiators, Militia is content to let Reyes keep running back and forth between the first 2 stations until time expires. After one round, we are tied at 1 point each.

Up next is Joust and the gladiator hoping to knock the Mets off the pedestal is Titan. Reyes goes first this time. The referee blows the whistle. Titan swings and Reyes ducks under the pugile stick. Titan swings again and Reyes jumps over the top. Now, Reyes is dancing. Titan can’t keep up with the speed and agility of Reyes. Titan gets tired just looking at him and fruitlessly calls him a “girl” as time expires. Five points for Reyes. Wright gets up on the pedestal. (Fan holds up sign: “Wright will Loosen Titan!!” Not bad.) The referee blows the signal. Titan goes to swing but Wright pulls out a mirror and holds it up. Wright, using his mental acuity, finds Titan’s weakness. Not willing to look away from the beautiful reflection he sees, Titan is a sitting duck. Wright uses his free hand to knock Titan off the pedestal and attain 10 points. Titan, missing his gorgeous visage, cries at the side of the pool while Hulk Hogan tells Wright that his performance was “Awesome!” In a sign of humanity, Wright tosses the mirror to Titan. He catches it, giggles like a school girl, and runs off to the Gladiator stables to be with himself. (His reflection, you sick weirdos.)