I read this funny parody from Mike Kerwick of The Record about a week ago and intended to post about it on MMO, but completely spaced and forgot about it. I just came across it again as I was looking through my favorites folder and I got another laugh out of it. I think you will too. :-)
Location: Manager’s office, Tradition Field, Port St. Lucie, Fla.
Date: Feb. 11, 2013
Terry Collins is sitting at his desk, thumbing through scouting reports. He hears a knock, looks up and goes pale.
A shadowy figure enters. He claims he is from the future.
“Cripes!” Collins says.
“I’ve got some bad news,” the figure tells him. “It’s about Matt Harvey.”
“What? Does he take a step back? Does he struggle during Year 2?”
“No, actually, he carves up the National League with his fastball. He starts the All-Star Game at Citi Field. He becomes one of the most dominant pitchers in baseball.”
“So what’s the …”
“In August, he tears a ligament in his elbow. He misses the rest of 2013, and will probably miss all of 2014.”
“OK, that’s bad. Really bad. Well, we’re resilient. I guess we’ll just have to plug in Jeremy Hefner.”
“See, here’s the thing. Jeremy …”
“Let me guess: He bombs the audition.”
“No, actually, he goes on the most impressive run of his career. He allows two earned runs or less in 13 of his first 19 starts. He draws comfort from pitching in Harvey’s shadow.”
“So what’s the …”
“His elbow goes, too.”
“Wow. Well, I guess Jenrry Mejia … Why are you shaking your head?”
“He pitches well. He hurts his elbow.”
“It’s going to be a frustrating year, Terry. Bobby Parnell is going to become the hard-throwing closer you always envisioned, then injures his neck in July. David Wright is going to hit .309, then hurt his hamstring in August.
“Ike Davis is going to lose his swing, then rediscover it, then hurt his oblique just as he started coming around.”
“Wait, wait, wait, go back a sec. Bobby’s closing? What happens to Frank Francisco?”
“Oh boy. Where to begin.”
“So that means I’ve got to fill a hole in the bullpen. Between you and me, we’ve got this 31-year-old named Scott Rice. Never pitched in the big leagues., but boy, what an arm.”
“He turns out great. Makes 73 appearances. And then in September …”
“Don’t even tell me.”
“Wow. I’m afraid to even ask about Johan Santana.”
“Yeah, about that …