A Few Better Met Managerial Choices

An article by posted on April 30, 2013

Lost_in_Space_Jonathan_Harris_&_RobotYou know I bet you could build a supercomputer that would be able to manage the NY Mets. Maybe something like the robot from Lost in Space.

A robot would probably have put in Juan Lagares instead of Collin Cowgill in the late innings last night … That’s because robots are nothing if not logical. Robots don’t go on intuition or hunches, they don’t make bullpen decisions based on their gut … Their guts are wires and blinking lights and oil cans and stuff. Robots don’t have “favorites,” ever.

A robot would not have told Jeurys Familia to walk Solano on a 1 – 2 count. To a robot that would not compute, you’d probably start seeing smoke coming out of the robot’s ears and it’s head would start spinning around if it made a move like that.

A robot manager could also squirt Gatorade directly into players’ mouths and blast them  with super-cold frozen carbon dioxide vapor when it’s real hot out.

Another good thing about Robots is that they wouldn’t get snippy during the postgame press conference for being second guessed neither. A robot also wouldn’t snap at the guy from the New York Post for asking about the weird double switch. See sometimes you get the sense that Terry Collins pulls the double switch because he likes how it looks on a scorecard and makes people think he’s doing his job.

“Yeah, had to pull three double switches tonight, honey… Boy am I bushed.”

A robot would use the double switch only when there was a logical reason for one … like taking out Lucas Duda. A robot would never forget to take Lucas Duda out in the late innings, Lucas Duda’s defensive metrics would be hard wired into the robot’s circuitry, “no hard feelings Lucas … bmeep bmeep bmoop bmoop.” Also, a Robot wouldn’t refuse to play Valdespin because Valdespin is irritating and obnoxious. Robots don’t have feelings, a robot wouldn’t care if Valdespin beats his chest after a triple.

A robot manager could also wax the floor of the dugout during a game.

terry-collinsYou could also train a gorilla to be manager. They’ve taught some gorillas to use hand signals you know, how hard could it be? You’d have to get him into a uniform of course … I’m sure a few of Dave Kingman’s old jerseys are still around somewhere. The gorilla could just signal for a bunt with David Wright up and no one on base … He wouldn’t even have to follow the game, you could teach the gorilla six or seven signs and have him randomly use them during the game. So he might call for a triple steal or pull his starter after only one inning. A gorilla also wouldn’t care if Valdespin beats his chest after a triple, he’d probably beat his chest in response. Not only would it be a big improvement over Terry Collins, it would be hugely entertaining, win-win! You might want to equip Hudgens with a deluxe pooper-scooper to take care of any “accidents,” if you go the gorilla route.

Or you could pay a fifth-grader to be the manager. They will often work for candy and gum, and they can be pretty smart, especially the ones who read books and stuff. If the kid yells at Tim McClelland because he fell asleep or maybe had a small stroke between pitches McClelland can’t eject him because the kid would be too young to go unsupervised. I know McClelland is slow to call balls and strikes but I swear there were times last night where he was waiting to see how the batter would react so he could call the opposite, just to screw with the hitters for being so unbelievably awful. I don’t blame him really.

A fifth-grader might even be able to get away with kicking the umpire in the shin. If a fifth grader were running things every baserunner would steal on every pitch. Hitters would swing at everything, the hit and run sign would always be on. Runners would steal home as soon as they got to third base, it would be pure chaos! (The awesome kind not the boring Ike Davis kind.) You could put Dan Warthen in charge of getting the kid cotton candy and hot dogs and bubble gum … the kid might need his own bullpen cart but it’s a small price really …

About the Author ()

I’ve been a Met fan since August 1969 when a fire resulted in the Red Cross placing my family on the 6th floor of a building in Willets Point. I could see Shea from our balcony and I knew something big was going on. I followed them through the dark years and the resurgence of the 80’s only (sadly) to miss the fall of 86 because I was in Boot Camp. I've been serving penance ever since in Minnesota where I'm an SLP. I've written a lot about the Mets in an effort to share with my kids (and anyone else who might listen), a sporting tradition that made much of my childhood worthwhile. Follow me on twitter: https://twitter.com/MatthewBalasis

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