It has come to our attention that you plan on doing a charity junket to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro, in Africa.
Although we are sure that it is for a worthy cause, unwed mothers is that right? As your employer the N.Y. Mets respectfully request that you reconsider.
Mountain climbing is the third most dangerous sport in the world, eclipsed only by shark punching, and professional eating competitions. If you slipped while on the mountain and aggravated your fascia planteritis, we, as an organization would have to pretend we don’t know you. What’s more is we would not be required to pay the remaining $4.75 million we owe to you, so we could then give it to Bobby Bonilla.
It is with deep regret and heavy hearts that we, the N.Y. Mets, as an organization must ask one of our employees to make such a sacrifice as this. But if you don’t stay off that damn mountain you can kiss the last year on your stinking contract good-bye. We will cut you loose so fast your head will spin.
Perhaps you can find a more suitable charity to donate to. Like the newly formed charitable fund to keep the Mets in New York. Send all donations to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you R.A. for your cooperation with the N.Y. Metropolitan Baseball Club, a.k.a. Sterling Liquidations Ltd. Have a nice day.
Jeff Wilpon, COO