Freddy Got (Middle) Fingered

The Mets didn’t have a game scheduled for today, but they’re still all over the back pages of the tabloids. No one threw a firecracker in a crowded parking lot. No one threw bleach on anyone. No one shouted homophobic slurs at anyone. In fact, no players were involved in the controversy. But the man who pays them is.

Mets’ chief cook and bottle washer Fred Wilpon made some interesting comments recently that were published in this week’s edition of the New Yorker magazine. In particular, he singled out four of the team’s best players. But perhaps the article may have been edited before it went to print.

I believe I may know what Mr. Wilpon really said to the New Yorker. After all, I once got an e-mail from him that started with “Dear Mets Friend”, so you could say I know what makes him tick. (Never mind that thousands of other people received the same e-mail. He sent it to me with love!) Here is what was printed in the New Yorker followed by what he really meant to say:

 

What He Said:
“(Jose Reyes) thinks he’s going to get Carl Crawford money. … He’s had everything wrong with him. He won’t get it.”

What He Meant:
“I wish I had Carl Crawford’s money.”

 

What He Said:
“We had some schmuck in New York who paid (Carlos Beltran) based on that one series. He’s sixty-five to seventy percent of what he was.”

What He Meant:
“He hit the Cardinals so well in the ’04 NLCS.  Why couldn’t he take the g*dd*mn bat off his shoulders against them in the ’06 NLCS?  Adam Wainwright’s got a good curve, but it ain’t no Sandy Koufax curve.”

 

What He Said:
“(David Wright is a) really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar.”

What He Meant:
“David Wright is a really good kid.  A very good player.  But he’s not Sandy Koufax.”

 

What He Said:
“(Ike Davis is a) Good hitter. … Sh**ty team – good hitter.”

What He Meant:
“Ike Davis is a sh**ty hitter on a good team.  No, wait.  Ike Davis is a good hitter on a team with a sh**ty owner.  No, that can’t be right.  Ike Davis took a sh*t today.  Ah, f**k it!  Ike Davis is Jewish like Sandy Koufax – that makes him good.”

 

Fred Wilpon has been alive for three-quarters of a century.  He’s been collecting Social Security for over a decade now.  (Hope he’s saving it.)  In other words, he should be retired already!  If Julio Franco could walk away before he was half a century old, than why can’t his former employer do the same?

If Fred Wilpon truly loved the Mets, he’d sell the team and quit while he’s behind.  The Mets have a long way to go before they can hand out World Series rings.  Hopefully, the next time they do, none of them will say Wilpon on it.