The Mets have interviewed a number of internal and external candidates in the hopes of finding a new manager to replace the departed Jerry Manuel. There have been many rumors and speculation about who that man will be. New Mets GM Sandy Alderson has stated that he would like the new manager in place within the next few weeks, but has given no word as to who he’s leaning towards as his choice.
So who should be the next Mets manager? There are many candidates, but only one will be the next manager. Perhaps we should have the judges at American Idol handle the interviews, since they are “experts” at deciding who in America has talent. Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, the floor is all yours.
Randy: Who’s our first candidate?
Steven: I believe it’s Bob Melvin.
Randy: Mr. Melvin.
Bob Melvin: Hi, I’m Bob Melvin. I’ve managed the Seattle Mariners and the Arizona Diamondbacks, winning 93 games in 2003, which was my first season in Seattle, and 90 games for Arizona in 2007. In fact, when my Diamondbacks finished 90-72 in ’07, that represented the best overall record in the National League.
J-Lo: I like that team, the Diamondbacks. You know, I’ve got back too, and it’s worth more than a diamond.
Randy: Sweet sassy molassy, girl!
Bob Melvin: I don’t know what that means, but did I get the job?
Steven: We’ll get back to you. Right now, I want to talk about Jennifer’s back.
Randy: That’s a lot of back. Speaking of back, our next candidate is Wally Backman.
Steven: Actually, I heard he’s no longer a candidate.
J-Lo: Why not? I remember liking him when I was a Fly Girl.
Randy: You’re still fly, girl.
J-Lo: Ay, Papi!
Steven: We can continue this discussion later, but right now let’s talk about Joe Torre. He’s had an incredible managerial career, winning four championships with the Bronx Bombers and then leading the Dodgers to consecutive NLCS appearances.
J-Lo: Did you say Bronx Bombers? You know, I’m from the Bronx. I’m from the block.
Steven: Which block is that?
J-Lo: You know, Papi. The block. The one right off the 6 train.
Randy: You can pull into my stop anytime.
Steven: Randy, we’re discussing managers here.
J-Lo: Who’s managing the Yankees now? Isn’t it that Joe Hibachi guy?
Steven: Joe Girardi.
Randy: I could go for some hibachi right now.
J-Lo: Whatever, Papi. Yeah, that’s who the Mets should get. Joe Torre is kind of a viejo right now.
Randy: What’s a viejo?
J-Lo: An old man. What is he, like 50 now?
Steven: He’s 70. Actually, I’m 62. Does that make me a viejo?
J-Lo: Whatever, Steven. I know what you’re trying to do. You just want me to stop talking about Joe Torre because his teams always beat up on your Red Sox.
Steven: We took care of that in 2004. I remember that year so well. In fact, I was just reminiscing about that season the other day with my fellow Red Sox fan, Ben Affleck.
J-Lo: Don’t even go there, Steven.
Steven: Why? Still bitter about Gigli?
Steven: Or the fact that he found a better woman who actually cared about the Red Sox?
J-Lo: Steven! Don’t make me show you the Bronx!
Steven: Who are you? J-Lo or Bobby Bo?
Randy: Ladies, ladies, ladies. Please stop fighting! We’re trying to choose a manager here.
Steven: Dude, do I look like a lady?
Randy: Well, now that you mention it…
Clint Hurdle: Guys, I’m ready. Can I come out now?
Steven: See, Clint Hurdle knows I’m a guy.
J-Lo: Did he call me a guy too? He’s fired!
Randy: Fired? We haven’t even hired him yet, Dawg.
J-Lo: Dawg? Oh, so you think I’m a b….
Clint Hurdle: Maybe I should come back some other time. I need to go to Pittsburgh anyway.
Steven: No, Clint. Stay. Tell us what you’ve got.
Clint Hurdle: Well, I managed the Colorado Rockies from 2002 to 2009 and led them to their first ever World Series appearance in 2007.
Steven: Where you were swept by my Red Sox. Ga-ga-ga-ga-GOW!!
Clint Hurdle: Is that why you wanted me to stay? To make fun of me for losing the World Series to Boston? You know, I also know the Mets organization, having played for them in the ’80s and managed in their minor league system.
J-Lo: That viejo Torre also played for and managed the Mets.
Clint Hurdle: What’s your point?
J-Lo: Well, he ain’t getting no Mets job, so why should you?
Clint Hurdle: Why is Joe Torre’s past relevant to my candidacy? What do you even know about baseball, Ms. Lopez?
Guest Judge: I’ve been saying it all along. There shouldn’t be any women allowed to judge who gets to be in the Mets dugout.
Everyone (in unison): Who are you?
Guest Judge: I’m tonight’s Guest Judge. Can I interest any of you in a Tootsie Pop?
Randy: Haven’t I seen you on TV before?
Guest Judge: Yes.
Steven: You do those Just For Men commercials, right? Not that I need Just For Men.
Randy: You don’t need it because it’s for men.
Steven: Dude, I’m not a lady.
Randy: Dawg, you look like one.
Steven: Well, I’m not. Anyway, that is you in those commercials, isn’t it?
Guest Judge: Yes.
J-Lo: Now I know who you are, Papi! You’re Walt “Clyde” Frazier!
Guest Judge (shaking his head): And you wonder why I think women shouldn’t be allowed to judge.
Clint Hurdle: Wait, didn’t I play with you on the Mets?
Guest Judge: There you go, Clintie.
Clint Hurdle: Clintie?
Guest Judge: Sorry, I forgot you go by Clint now.
Steven: We beat Clintie in ’07!
Clint Hurdle: Shut up, Steven!
Randy: Oh, wait. Now I know who you are. You’re…
Guest Judge: That’s right. I’m Keith Hernandez, legendary Mets first baseman.
J-Lo: Ha! Legendary first baseman? You couldn’t get past first base with that chica from Seinfeld.
Keith: Miss Lo, that was a TV show and we were going by the script.
J-Lo: You can’t fool me, Papi. I wouldn’t have kissed you either.
Clint Hurdle: You know what? I don’t even want this job anymore! I’d rather manage somewhere else! Screw you guys! I’m going to Pittsburgh!
Steven: Thanks, Clintie. And I say that for all of Red Sox Nation.
Clint Hurdle: Harumph!
Randy: So is there anyone left?
Steven: We have Terry Collins.
Randy: He’s the guy Paul DePodesta endorses, right?
J-Lo: Endorsements? Speaking of endorsements, have you tried my newest fragrance? It’s called…
Randy and Steven (in unison): No!
Keith: Doesn’t anyone here care about hiring a manager?
J-Lo: Shut up, Walt “Clyde” Frazier!
Keith: I’m Keith Hernandez!
Randy and Steven (in unison): We know!
J-Lo: Just bring in Phil Collins already.
Keith: That’s Terry Collins.
Randy: Sigh…Mr. Collins, please.
Terry Collins: Thanks, Randy. I’m Terry Collins. I’ve managed for six seasons in the major leagues, splitting my time between the Houston Astros and the Anaheim Angels. In five of those six seasons, I finished with a winning record. I’d like to bring that winning attitude back to New York.
Keith: Sir, have you ever won anything?
Terry Collins: My teams have competed for playoff spots almost every year.
Keith: But have you ever finished in first place?
Steven: My Red Sox finished in first place in 2007, when they beat out J-Lo’s viejo to win the division title.
J-Lo: Joe Torre’s not my old man.
Randy: I’d like to be your daddy.
Keith: Guys, guys. You too, Steven.
Steven: Everyone’s a comedian here.
Terry Collins: Um, did I mention that Paul DePodesta likes me?
Randy: I don’t know, dawgs. I guess we should hire Terry. Every other candidate walked out on us.
Keith: That’s because all of you are incompetent fools.
J-Lo: Who are you calling incontinent?
Keith: My point exactly.
Steven: Maybe we should just let the fans vote.
Randy: If Simon was still around, he’d probably throw every manager off the show.
Keith: He should do the same with the judges.
J-Lo: As long as I get my money, honey.
Randy: What’s that? Our time is up? Sorry, fellas, but we’ve got to wrap things up.
J-Lo: But I haven’t talked about my new fragrance. It’s called…
Keith: No fragrance is going to cover up the fact that these judges stink.
Randy: You got a problem with us, Dawg?
Keith: Did you choose a manager yet?
Keith: Isn’t that what you’re paid to do?
J-Lo: Shut up, Walt “Clyde” Frazier!
Steven: Guys, I’ve got to get back on tour. All this fighting is messing up my vocal cords.
Randy: Fine! Go!
Randy: We’re all leaving. Let Sandy Alderson hire a new manager. I’ve had it with this gig.
(Door slams shut as they all leave. Moments later, the door opens up again to reveal an older gentleman with glasses and a salt and pepper goatee peering in cautiously.)
Jerry Manuel: Uh, hello? Are you guys still hiring?