On Monday, Mets Merized Online was able to sneak into the Wilpon’s conference room at Shea Stadium and plant a hidden microphone under the Mr. Met lamp in the corner, next to the signed photo from Sandy Koufax.
We transcribed what we heard for you during the now famous Willie meeting. The cast of characters includes CEO Fred Wilpon and his son COO Jeff Wilpon, general manager Omar Minaya, manager Willie Randolph, and Anita the hot waitress from the Diamond Club restaurant.
Fred: (pounds his fist on desk) So how do we fix this team? Let’s start with first base…
Omar: I love the guy… he’s a leader… We need more guys like Delgado.
Willie: (looks at Omar with bewildered eyes) huh… he batted .145 on this road trip and .212 on the season…
Jeff: Shut up Willie! Who cares what you think, pass me the damned chips!
Fred: I agree, Delgado is a leader… he’s made more trips to the mound than Peterson and Willie combined. What about second base?
Willie: Castillo is killing us…
Jeff: Are you nuts? The guy plays with sore knees… he grimaces on every play… I’d like to see you play like that!
Omar: I totally agree with you Jeff. It’s because of his grit and determination that I signed him for 4 years. He’s a cornerstone of this franchise. (Omar smiles and then gulps down the last of his frozen margarita) Maybe if you’d stop jerking him around every week and leave him in the damned two hole, you’d be able to appreciate his talent like me and Jeff do.
Willie: (rolls his eyes and turns toward the 60” plasma TV which is tuned to SNY and is airing Beer Money)
Fred: That brings us to Reyes at shortstop.
Jeff: Oh please dad, did you have to bring up Reyes… you know what a sore subject that is with me. Ever since Willie brain-f****d him he hasn’t been the same.
Willie: (jumps up out of his seat) He wasn’t hustling damn it!
Fred: Sit down Willie! Anymore outbursts like that and you’ll be coaching first base for the Savannah Sand Gnats!
Omar: (whispers under his breath) I should have hired Felipe Alou damn it… what was I thinking…
Fred: Let’s skip over Wright at third base and go to Schneider behind the plate. Did you see that great play he made blocking that wild pitch in Colorado?
Omar: The guy’s the best non Latino defensive catcher I ever laid eyes on.
Willie: What are you talking about? He leads the league in passed balls and our pitchers are second in the league in wild pitches!
Jeff: Geesh Willie, I wish you’d show half as much emotion in the damned dugout! Go down to the Diamond Club and ask Anita to fix us up some of those hot pastrami sandwiches… with extra cheese… and don’t forget to grab some extra napkins!
Willie leaves the conference room and bumps into Amanda, the teenage host of Mets Kids Clubhouse.
Amanda: Hi Willie, how about a few words for this weeks edition of Kids Clubhouse?
Willie: Outta my way bitch, I ain’t got no time for that…
Meanwhile, back in the conference room.
Fred: Omar, you know how much I love you, but you screwed up royally when you let that guy into our proud franchise. He has been nothing but a nuisance and no matter how hard we let SNY bash him, he’s still here… what will it take to get him to resign?
Omar: I’ve tried everything Fred. I fired the only coach he picked out in Rick Down… I threw Rickey Henderson into his lap… I kept Julio Franco as long as I could… I signed Guillermo Mota… I even had Jay Horowitz reach out to Gary Carter… nothing I do seems to work.
Jeff: Well we gotta do something! I’m not going to go down in history as the first New York team ever to fire an African American manager… This is the city that broke the color barrier for crying out loud!
Fred: Speaking of which, besides naming the rotunda after Jackie, I was tossing around the idea of a Jackie Robinson bobble-head doll day in July…
Omar: Great idea Fred! It may help to ease the tension with the fans.
The conversation is interrupted by Anita the hot waitress from the Diamond Club restaurant. The intercom on the desk blurts, “Mr. Wilpon, Willie Randolph is on his way back with the pastrami sandwiches you ordered”.
Jeff: Did he remember to get the extra cheese?
Anita on Intercom: Yes, he did sir.
Fred: Shoot, he’ll be back in a few minutes and we have resolved nothing… What do we do?
Omar: Let me go out there and appease the fans. We’ll say he has our full support and in the meantime I’ll speak to Jerry Manuel and the “Jacket” and see if they could get the players to try easing up on the fire and determination a little more. If we play our cards right this city will be hammering for him to step down by next week.
Willie enters the room with his hands full of food for everyone.
Willie: Here you go guys, enjoy!
Jeff: What the hell is this? (as he unwraps his sandwich) This is swiss cheese I hate swiss cheese, I wanted cheddar!
Twenty minutes later, Willie and Omar address the media in a press conference.