Fred Wilpon – I promise to spend every red cent from the 20-30% increase in ticket prices, and add it to the team’s payroll budget so that Omar can go out and sign the best free agents available. I will enable Omar to have the same financial freedom as his Yankees counterpart, Brian Cashman. I will also use a portion of that money to relocate the Homerun Apple to the new Citi Field.
Omar Minaya – In 2008 I will shake up our Minor League Operations and replace all of my good friends with qualified baseball people who have a reputation for being exceptional at evaluating talent at all levels. We will do whatever it takes to rebuild our farm system, and will no longer be deterred by amateur players who may have high signing bonus demands. Instead of going after the lowest priced bargains, we will draft players with the best skills sets and highest ceilings.
Willie Randolph – I will be firm and fair in 2008 when disciplining my players. I will not single out some players for lack of hustle while allowing other players a free pass. I will stress the importance of fundamentals at the plate, on the base paths, and in the field. This team will never be complacent again under my watch.
Rick Peterson – I will promise to stop wearing a jacket during the hot summer months when the temperatures on the field are sweltering. I will also give strong consideration to replacing my seventies hair style to one that doesn’t make me look like Robert Plant. Most of all, I promise to stop grumbling in Willie Randolph’s ear whenever one of my starters has surpassed 90 pitches.
Mr. Met – I promise to buy a higher caliber rocket launcher so that my free T-shirts will reach the upper deck in 2008. Despite not being named in the Mitchell Report, rumors still continue to haunt me regarding the size of my head, and how I have not aged much in the last 30 years. I am now committed to submitting to monthly blood and urine testing with all results to be made available to the public. Hopefully the rest of Major League Baseball will follow my example.